Ask Matt: Why Am I Bigender?

A reader writes: “I’m a 32-year-old female who is a bigender transgender. I got my testosterone checked and it’s 43. The doctor said that 45 and up would be kinda high, and I’m very close to that.

“Can this be why I’m bigender? I heard that most transgenders (transgender people) have high or near-high testosterone or estrogen. Thanks.”

The short answer is that I don’t know why you are bigender – but I obviously have more to say!

My understanding of the term bigender is that it refers to a person who manifests both masculine and feminine gender identities and who sometimes identifies as a man, sometimes identifies as a woman, or perhaps identifies as both simultaneously. I believe that this term can also refer to people who have multiple gender identities that are not necessarily restricted to traditional masculinity and femininity or to traditional representations of “man” and “woman.”

I’m sure that there are individual variations on this, and because I’m don’t identify as bigender, I might  not be expressing this correctly, so I hope bigender people will correct or add to this definition. There is also information and individual stories, as well as communication and interaction opportunities, at Bigender.net.

I’m not sure what you mean by “bigender transgender,” but it’s possible that you mean that you have a bigender identity that leans heavily toward the masculine on a hypothetical masculine/feminine spectrum or towards “manhood” on a hypothetical man/woman spectrum.

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Ask Matt: Hormone Roundup

I have recently gotten several questions about hormones, so I decided to put them together in a (slightly long) post. I’m hoping that my readers can pitch in with their thoughts. So here goes:

A reader writes: “I heard once that those who are mentally ill will never be approved by any doctor to have any sort of sexual reassignment surgery. I’m also assuming this includes prescriptions for testosterone. This is of interest to me as I am bipolar, so, in my understanding, this means I will never be able to have surgeries if I wanted to.

“This leads me to my next question. Without the benefits of surgeries and T I have already come to the conclusion that I will never pass as a man, nor, more than likely, be fully accepted into the FTM community, since, from what I’ve seen, it is heavily based around those experiences of surgeries and T treatments. So, where does that leave me?

“I’ve already begun on the journey from one world to another, only to find that my way is partially blocked off. Will I have to be content with being considered androgynous, or worse yet, some hastily thrown together mishmash of sexes where, as one friend just recently told me, ‘I can still tell you’re a girl’?”

This is interesting, because I have not heard that if you have a mental health diagnosis, you will never be approved for transition under any circumstances. Currently, Gender Identity Disorder (the diagnosis that many doctors require in order to prescribe hormones or perform transition surgery) is a mental health diagnosis. So, at least theoretically, you must have a mental health diagnosis to transition.

However, there are probably certain diagnoses that might delay or preclude a therapist’s approval for transition. I don’t know if bipolar disorder is one of those diagnoses, but I would imagine that it might depend on the severity of the problem. So the first thing I would ask is if you have discussed this with a therapist. If you have not, and you are interested in the possibility of medical transition, then that’s your first step.

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Ask Matt Briefs: Short Questions, Short Answers

The Ask Matts are accumulating again, so we have a column of briefs, more substantial than what is in my own.

A reader writes: “I am transitioning and I have decided that I don’t want testosterone treatment simply because I do not desire facial hair or chest hair. I am planning on having top surgery, but not bottom surgery. Is there a place for trans guys who aren’t going full-board male? I’ve heard of non-ops, but what about not taking T? I will be attending my first support group soon, and I am so nervous and so excited at the same time.”

There is definitely a place for trans guys who are not taking hormones, not having surgery, or both. One of the “problems” with medical transition is that there is a certain path that has been put out there as a “blueprint” or a “map,” and the expectation is that everyone will follow this path. The reality is that not everyone does, and only you can determine what constitutes “transition” and “done” for you.

Another (unfortunate) reality is that, in some cases, you will not be taken seriously, not only by non-trans people, but by some trans people as well. Depending on the community, there can be hierarchies, where those who are using hormones and have had surgery are at the top of the hierarchy and consider themselves to be “more trans” or “more legitimate” than those who are not using hormones or have not had surgery. This doesn’t occur everywhere, but it can happen, and it can happen even in support groups.

I encourage you to go to your support group and get the lay of the land. It’s normal to be incredibly nervous before your first support group. It’s okay not to talk or share a lot, but it’s also okay to tell them whatever you want them to know about you. If the group is accepting of everyone, you will soon know it. If the group tries to tell you that you are “doing transition wrong” or delegitimizes you in any way, find another group.

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Ask Matt Potpourri: Short Questions with Short Answers

I have several Ask Matt short questions, from voter laws to pronouns to sex drive, that have relatively short answers, so I am putting them together in an Ask Matt Potpourri, and am hoping that readers can help out as well. So here we go:

A reader writes: “I am coming out late in my life. I am 65. I am on phytoestrogens. I am an avid shopper for feminine clothes and such. I am totally happy, but money is a big issue. Any suggestions you could give me would be a big help.”

I turn to my trans women readers for some shopping suggestions, but I always recommend thrift stores, such as Goodwill or ARC, for clothing needs, particularly in the early stages of transition. Money is often tight for trans people, and many of these second-hand stores have fantastic clothes as bargain prices. They also have sale days or senior discount days, where prices are reduced even more.

And even if money was no object, I would still recommend thrift stores for both men and women just beginning transition. Hormones change the shape of the body, redistributing fat and increasing or decreasing muscle mass, so it’s almost counterproductive to spend a lot of money on a new wardrobe when you don’t know what your body will look like in a year or two. That great dress, shirt, or pair of jeans that fits now might not in a few months. Your tastes might also change as you move through your transition. So don’t make a major investment up front, and go where the bargains are.

A reader writes: “I’m a teen FTM and I’ve recently switched to male pronouns (my friends and family on board, of course). Although whenever someone is talking about me with ‘he’ and such, I often forget that they’re talking about me at all! I’m so used to ‘she’ that I haven’t really connected with ‘he’ yet, even though I want to. Is that a normal feeling for a new trans person? If so, how do I get used to my new pronouns?”

I think this is very normal, because “she” is all you’ve ever known. When I started transition, I sometimes even referred to myself as “she,” and I often turned my head when people said “Jennifer,” even though they were talking about someone else. I also turned around when people said “Ma’am,” even though I knew they weren’t talking to me. That one actually took a couple of years to go away entirely.

As a teenager, your brain is still developing, which is actually a positive thing for you, because it might make it easier to form those associations with regard to your new pronouns. But it’s still going to take time. The more you hear them, the more familiar they will become, and the more they will seem like you. You will “grow into” them.

Be patient. The brain is extremely adaptable, but it also needs time to adjust. Give yourself at least a few months, and soon you won’t even acknowledge female pronouns, because they won’t seem like “you” anymore.

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Ask Matt: Physical, Emotional, and Cognitive Changes from Testosterone

Reader #1 writes: “How long does this second puberty last? I have been on T for two years. I have good facial hair growth, I am recognized as male 100 percent of the time, my voice has stopped getting deeper, and I think I am done with changes in my nether regions. My body fat has shifted from my hips to my now Buddha belly. My hairline has considerably shifted farther back on my forehead. I now have hair on my upper back and shoulders – so when is puberty over? Are there any other changes to look forward to?”

Reader #2 writes: “I’ve been looking around, but I can’t find much information on how testosterone affects emotions and cognition and thoughts. I’ve heard that it becomes easier to visualize 3-d objects and rotate mental images of things. What are emotions like and how are they different from before? I know this may be difficult to articulate, but any information you can give will be greatly appreciated. Also, if you know of any good articles someone else might have written on the subject, would you please link them?”

Since these topics are somewhat related (and since Ask Matts are slightly backed up), I thought I would deal with both of them at the same time, as well as give readers a chance to chime in with their varied experiences.

What I have always heard about testosterone – and what is still my understanding – is that while the type and rate of physical changes obviously vary from person to person, the most dramatic physical changes happen within the first two years, with the possibility of additional changes occurring over the next three.

However, my own experience demonstrates that this is not always true. Although my hairline receded slightly over the course of the first few years, I thought I was home free with regard to male pattern baldness. I figured that I didn’t have the gene, because I still had a thick head of hair – until eight years out. Suddenly, hair was everywhere but on my head – on my towel, on my pillow, in the sink. Genetics finally kicked in.

So although I’m not aware of any changes that might happen other than the ones you describe (these sound like the standard changes that most people expect), it’s possible that those changes that have already happened will continue to “expand.” You could lose more hair on your head. You could gain more hair on your back. Your Buddha belly could become more bountiful. You could get a little more facial hair (and, of course, it will probably eventually turn grey).

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Ask Matt: Too-High Sex Drive Causes Trouble

A reader writes: “I am an FTM and have been on testosterone for almost two years. I went off it briefly for a few months and now am back on it. I am experiencing a major increase in my sex drive like no other.

“It’s starting to impact my relationship with my girlfriend of almost a year. I find myself holding back on my affection because even the slightest touch from her gets me in the mood wherever we happen to be. And most of the time this occurs when we happen to be places where getting busy isn’t the best idea.

“I read your entry about your experience, and you described it just as I have to her – when you’re hungry, you eat. That’s exactly how I am feeling.

“I am wondering if there’s anything I can do to help reduce this overwhelming feeling? Did you do anything specifically to distract yourself that you’d be willing to share?”

Ah, the joys and sorrows of testosterone. I know a lot of guys who have a sort of love/hate relationship with their new increased sex drive. It can be fun, but it can also cause problems – in relationships and with simple day-to-day activities.

The one thing you don’t want it to do is interfere with your relationship. You don’t want to be cold and unaffectionate with your girlfriend, because she might start to take it as a personal rejection, no matter how clearly and how often you explain things to her.

Our loved ones put up with a lot from us during transition, and that’s admirable of them, but they shouldn’t always have to shoulder the whole burden. So what I would suggest is that, until your overwhelming sex drive starts to fade (and it will), you take care of yourself whenever possible and necessary. It’s quick, it’s easy, and fourteen-year-old boys will tell you it’s why bathrooms were invented (not public ones, though).

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Ask Matt: Differing Sex Drives Cause Dilemmas

A reader writes: “I cannot release my building-up sex drive. I had no problem getting myself off prior to my transition, but as soon as things started to change, I don’t get any pleasure from being touched by myself, toys, or another person. It’s starting to become a chore to try to release when nothing happens.

“It has me crying myself to sleep because I don’t know what to do, and my girlfriend doesn’t know what to do either, as she has no sex drive. She’s a trans post-op woman, and we have tried everything to bring her sex drive up with no success. She even went off her estrogen to try to bring her sex drive up, but nothing helps.”

Transition brings all kinds of different experiences with it – some pleasant, and others not so much. One thing it can cause is a lot of anxiety, which has a way of interfering with sexual desire, sexual activity, and sexual pleasure. And then the more anxious you get about it, the more difficult it is to rectify the situation, so it becomes a vicious circle.

I don’t have a lot of information here, so I’m going to have to throw some thoughts out and see if anything sticks. Let’s start with your girlfriend.

As you are both obviously aware, estrogen can (but not necessarily does) lead to a reduced and/or changed sex drive. I have talked to quite a few trans women who said that their sex drive has gone down quite a bit since medically transitioning. I’m sure this is not true of every trans woman, and some might even have an increase in sex drive because they feel more comfortable with themselves. But estrogen can certainly have an effect.

Your girlfriend went off estrogen and her sex drive did not increase. That would make sense to me, because she has had transition surgery. Therefore, she is no longer producing copious amounts of testosterone, which probably would, if left to its own devices, affect her sex drive. But she doesn’t have that testosterone, so just going off estrogen is probably not going to make much difference.

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Ask Matt: A Man with a ‘Feminine’ Face

A reader writes: “I’m a male, but I have a female-looking face. Will taking testosterone make my face look more male?”

When I first read this letter, I assumed that you were a trans man who was not using testosterone and was considering beginning hormone therapy.

When I read it a second time, I realized that you might be a non-trans man who is producing his own testosterone and wants to add more in the hope of changing the appearance of his face.

If you are a trans man who is not using testosterone, then there is a high probability that taking testosterone will make your face look more male. Testosterone has been known to cause the face to appear more angular, to cause facial skin to thicken, giving it a more “male” appearance,” and to change the hair follicles in the face and body, causing facial hair to grow. The facial hair alone will give you a more male appearance.

Depending on your age and genetics, you could begin to see a noticeable difference within five or six months (maybe even sooner), but it could take up to two years or more. But be advised that your genetic makeup will play a big part in how much facial hair you get and in what ways your face might masculinize. Stay optimistic and realistic.

If you are a non-trans man who wants to increase his testosterone levels in the hope of creating a more masculine appearance, be advised that excess testosterone in the body can cause certain health problems, and it can cause your own testosterone-producing mechanisms to slow down or shut down, leading to some feminization of the body, including possible breast development and shrinking of the testicles. Some bodybuilders and other athletes using steroids have had these problems.

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Ask Matt: Can Hormones Solve Mental Health Issues?

A reader writes: “Two years ago, I noticed enough moodiness and behavior changes in my 20-year-old daughter that I asked her what was up, and she told me she thought she was male. Out of the blue.

“So many stories I come across have a person knowing at a very early age that they were in the wrong body or somehow different. There were no signs of gender dysphoria with my child, and nothing seemed amiss until he went to college.

“He is highly intelligent and talented, and has always had a circle of diverse friends. But he’s battling depression and is on Prozac, has a sense of alienation, and is having some rather dark thoughts. He has found a doctor willing to start T without a letter from a therapist, and he wants to start soon. The only therapist he’s seen is a college counselor who told me he wouldn’t feel qualified to write a letter.

“I am concerned, and feel that my son should see someone who specializes in gender issues, but he says he thinks it’d be a waste of time and doesn’t want to delay things. I am also concerned that starting T could only make matters worse if he hasn’t really dug into some other personal problems he’s having – raised with an absent dad and paternal relatives, feeling antisocial, living almost a split life where he’s friendly on the outside but angry and with dark thoughts on the inside (suicidal, homicidal, violent thoughts).

“Are these valid concerns? He thinks my ‘concern’ is just my own insecurities, but I am truly scared for him and unsure of what to say or do. Will hormones make him more unstable or help? Should he delay and get more counseling or charge ahead? I love him deeply and want what’s best, but am wrestling with just what is best at this point.”

First of all, thank you for being so supportive of your child and for standing by him at this time. Second, I want to make it  very clear that I am not a therapist, and anything I say should not be considered therapeutic advice. You and/or your son need to talk to a qualified therapist. Third, I’m really concerned about the suicidal, homicidal, and violent thoughts that you mention. I don’t know what these are, but he’s obviously told you about them, which certainly indicates a cry for help.

But let’s start at the beginning. It’s probably true that most of the personal experiences that you have read about in memoirs, and also the “textbook” scenarios that you have read about in more clinically focused books, reflect an early and persistent “cross-gender” identification or feeling of gender identity/physical body incongruity. This is very common among transsexual people. However, it is not the only experience.

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Ask Matt: Low Sex Drive is Driving Me Up the Wall

A reader writes: “I’m a trans man who has been on T coming up on two years. I don’t have a sex drive. I got a slight taste of it for two weeks in the beginning, then it went away for a few months, then returned for two weeks again – but then went away again. I can’t understand why I am missing out on this experience!

“This isn’t really the kind of question you expect, but I thought since you no doubt hear from lots of TBoys, maybe you have heard something like this before, and how I might fix it. It’s really, really getting me down.”

Sex drive is an interesting phenomenon, particularly in the trans man community, because you hear so much about it. Both estrogen and testosterone seem to affect it, but there are many other factors, as well.

The problem is that taking testosterone tends to significantly increase sex drive for so many trans guys that those who don’t experience that can feel left out and/or “abnormal.”

The reality is that sex drive varies a great deal in individual people, both men and women, but because it is so highly valued for men in so many cultures, we rarely hear from the men – trans or non-trans – who do not have a strong sex drive. And if we do hear from them, they are often misrepresenting their sex drive in an attempt to fit in, be “manly,” or be “normal,” so we are not aware of their numbers.

In the United States, and in many other countries and cultures as well, a strong sex drive is considered a “masculine” attribute and is prized and rewarded almost everywhere, from college fraternities to Congress. Men with strong sex drives are praised, while, even today, a strong sex drive in women is frequently discouraged.

I don’t know who society thinks these men are supposed to have sex with, because we certainly don’t want them having it with other men, but nevertheless, the paradox continues, the expectations continue, and even men who aren’t all that interested in having sex with anyone are not going to admit it for fear of social repercussions.

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