A reader writes: “I am a parent of a teenager who just last year, at the age of 17, shocked me with the announcement that she was transgender and would be starting the transition from FTM as soon as she turned 18.
“Up to that point, my husband and I had no idea her gender identity was in question. She was definitely a ‘tomboy’ (as was I most of my life), and never played with dolls, etc., but we never put two and two together. We did think she was a lesbian, however, but even that we were unsure about, because she had gone from one phase to another over the years (emo chick, athlete, etc.).
“So I am trying to find a place where I can be educated that will help me not only believe this, but accept it, embrace it, and eventually advocate for my child. I am having a very difficult time ‘transitioning’ my own mind to believe that my daughter of 17 years is not a female. I cannot get the word ‘him’ out of my mouth, and I cannot get myself to call her (him) by this new name.
“Does this make me a mean, closed-minded, unaccepting parent? I just tried to call my husband ‘babe’ or ‘honey’ the other day (something I’ve never done), and that felt so incredibly awkward coming out of my mouth. How in the world will I call my child ‘he’?
“I cannot seem to find good information on how to change myself, and my husband and my 12-year-old son’s mindset on the fact that ‘Jane’ is now ‘John.’ Not to mention, my husband is not at all willing to change the name. He does not even believe that this is happening. Knowing nothing at all about transgenderism and totally unwilling to educate himself at this, I am at a loss!”
Let’s get the most important thing out of the way right up front – you are not mean, closed-minded, or unaccepting. You wouldn’t be writing to me if you were. So stop beating yourself up about that, and let that one go.
Next, let’s put your husband on the back burner for a moment, because it’s not your job to make him accept his child. Don’t worry – we’ll come back to him later. Right now, we are going to focus on you, because how you deal with this will likely eventually influence how he does, and how your 12-year-old son does.
This is a big shock. I can’t imagine any parent not being shocked unless they truly saw signs of this for a child’s entire life. But as I’ve said before, not seeing signs really means nothing. Don’t go back looking for signs that might or might not have been there. This is what’s happening right now, so you have to deal with it in real time.
So let’s look at your questions. First, you want to know how you can you get to a place where you can believe this. Ask yourself, given that there were few to no indications of this, “What would make me believe it?” Would it help you to have a professional opinion? Is your child willing to see a therapist?
Most doctors, even in these changing times, still require a letter from a therapist in order to prescribe hormones. When your child says that he will be “starting transition,” it’s quite possible that he means he will be taking hormones. If this is the case, he will probably eventually need to see a therapist. If the therapist gives the go ahead for hormones, then you have your professional opinion.
You might even suggest to your child that you are willing to help him find (and pay for) a therapist now. That way, he can start looking at some possible options for his future.
What else might make you believe it? Would having a long conversation (or several) with your child about this help? Is he willing to do that? I don’t know what has taken place in the family since he came out to you, but if he sees your request for dialogue as an attempt to try to get him to change his mind, then he will probably be less willing to talk about it. If he sees your request as a way of attempting to support him, he might be far more open to it.
I think a lot of my readers are going to say, “Believe it because he says it’s so.” And I understand that position and welcome those comments. But I also understand that this isn’t always easy to do. You have to figure out what is going to make you believe it, and then see if that thing can eventually come to pass.
You also want to not only believe it, but to accept it, embrace it, and become an advocate for your child. This is an admirable position that I hope he can realize and appreciate. A lot of parents would not even get this far. The fact that you are already here says that you are accepting it in some ways, even as you are not quite sure that it’s real.
So what I would recommend is that you think this: “Here is what I need to believe this, and that hasn’t happened yet, but I accept the fact that my child believes this, and I accept the fact that he believes that this is what he needs to do. So whether or not I believe it at this moment, I accept what my child believes about himself, and I will support my child and embrace my child and advocate for my child right now because he is my child.” You don’t need another reason.
Now you are accepting your child – just the way he is. And because you accept him, regardless of what you believe, you will do your best to honor his wishes about what he will be called. So you start calling him John and you start using male pronouns. It will be forced. It won’t feel right. It will not come smoothly out of your mouth. It doesn’t matter right now.
Today when he gets home from school, say, “How was your day, John?” Force it. When it’s time to eat, yell up, “John, dinner’s ready.” Force it. Do it not because it’s comfortable for you, but because you accept your child unconditionally. If you have to tell yourself that you’re in a TV show or a movie and you’re playing a role, do that. Do whatever you have to do to make it come out of your mouth.
Not only will it get easier every time you do it, but it will strengthen the relationship between you and your child, so that when you want or need to talk, he will hopefully be more open to it. The name will come naturally before the pronoun does, and you will slip up – probably a lot. Apologize to John, forgive yourself, and move on.
What you might see is John blossoming right in front of you as you acknowledge his name and his pronouns. You might see huge changes in his demeanor and his mood. You might see him “coming alive” as John – and this, in turn, might help you believe it. “Fake it ’til you make it” can work in a lot of different contexts.
Your husband is in denial. There’s nothing you can really do about that except give him time. He might or he might not come around. Perhaps, if John is truly thriving with your recognition of him, your husband will see that and at least start to think about it.
I don’t think you should push him, and I hope that the two of you don’t end up arguing about this. You can just say to him, “I’m going to be using the name that John wants and the pronoun that he wants. It’s going to be difficult, but I think John’s comfort and my relationship with him is more important to me than the minor struggles I will have in doing this. I don’t want us to fight, and you need to do what is right for you. I’m just letting you know what I’m going to do.”
The difficulty is going to be with your 12-year-old, because he is going to get different messages from you and your husband with regard to this. But that’s a big reason why you and your husband should try not to fight over this. You can disagree privately, and your husband can do what he wants, but the two of you should discuss how your disagreements and your different messages will impact your 12-year-old.
It might not hurt for both of you to sit down with him and explain what’s going on and what your plans are. If your husband won’t do it, then you should do it anyway. I don’t know how close he and John are, but if John is also willing to talk to him, that would probably be helpful.
Regardless, you can explain to him why you are going to start using a different name and pronoun for his older sibling. You can explain to him that it’s a matter of respect, and that you know it will be difficult for him, but you hope that he will try it, too. He should not be punished for making mistakes or for saying that he is not going to do this. John can ultimately decide whether or not he is going to respond to anyone who uses an incorrect name and pronoun.
Again, I really can’t stress this enough, and I hope that your husband can see this, too – your 12-year-old should not be put in the middle of this. He should not be afraid that Dad will get mad if he calls his older sibling John, and that you will get mad if he doesn’t. He shouldn’t be made to feel as if he is “taking sides,” and neither one of you should feel that way, either. He shouldn’t be coached one way by you and another way by your husband.
You and your husband are the parents and the adults. No matter what disagreements happen between the two of you, you need to stay “neutral” with your 12-year-old, and you need to explain very calmly to him what is going on, why you are using a certain name and pronouns with John, and why your husband is not.
At 12, he’s old enough to take the information and decide for himself what he’s going to do. He’s not old enough to bear the burden of feeling as if he’s betraying one of his parents with his decision.
You might eventually want to start leaving some books, websites, or other literature out for your husband. Don’t force them on him. Just leave them out. Ask John if he has any favorite books or websites that he wishes his father would look at. Hopefully, your husband will eventually decide that he wants to, or needs to, educate himself.
If things get rough, I would also suggest family therapy. This could be helpful for everyone involved.
If you go to the right sidebar of this blog and click on the Family category in the Categories list, you might find some other posts that will be beneficial. Also, some helpful resources for both you and your husband might be TransYouth Family Allies and PFLAG. I wish you the best of luck.
Readers, it’s (finally) your turn!
I’ve been in your kid’s position and regardless of whether he is really transgender or he transitions or anything, supporting him up front will make not only your relationship stronger but make it much easier for him to explore his identity and be himself at home. Faking it till you make it I can guarantee will save you so many tears and so much frustration and once you see him truly be himself, you’ll understand why this is so important.
He’s going through a turbulent time emotionally and socially; don’t make it hard at home too. He needs a secure place where he can feel safe and unchallenged. He’s your kid and I know you want him to be happy. I’d just make sure he knows you’re there for him even though this is all new to you.
Let me share a few things. I’m 61 and transgender. My parents put up a wall from the moment I first showed signs of identifying as female. This did two things to me – first of all, I felt guilt, shame and self-loathing my entire life. It drove me underground and prevented me from ever really coming to terms with my own identity; no one should ever be allowed to feel that way, and parental support is so critical to developing a healthy self-image and positive relationships. The second thing my parents reaction to me did was to destroy our relationship. I never felt close to them and never was willing to talk to them when life got tough. I was cut off from everyone. This is not about what you want as a parent. This is the time to stand-up FOR your child. If you don’t,I guarantee that you and your child will never be the same again.
Second story – My youngest daughter is a lesbian. She struggled with talking to my wife and I about it when she was a teen. But, she finally did, and we were supportive of her even though we didn’t really know whether it was “real” or not. Well, it was “real” and she has grown up into a wonderful young woman with self-confidence and a bright outlook. She was bullied when she was young – so was I – and it rolled off her back because she felt loved. It didn’t roll off mine because I felt that the kids must be right about me. Our daughter told us a few months ago how much our acceptance meant to her. She is a grad student in Maine and had heard a talk by a transgender high school student and her father about a court case they had filed against the Orono school district. During that talk, she was moved to tears by what the girl had gone through and realized how important parental support was to her and clearly was to the girl.
Moral of this story – what you think is real doesn’t matter one iota. What matters is your child. Don’t waste your time worrying about whether he is trans or not. He will need to work that out. Be there for him, respect and support him and you will be doing what he needs you to do. Your support gives him the freedom to figure things out.
I would add that if he is imminently starting hormones, the effects of testosterone may also help shift her mental image and be able to picture her son *as* her son, and make it easier to get names/pronouns right.
Good point – seeing is believing for most people, so this can make a big difference for sure. No matter how well-intentioned, most people don’t have TransVision – my term for the ability to see a man inside a female-bodied individual or a woman inside a male-bodied individual, even without any modifications (feel free to use it, just give me credit). I agree that the changes hormones bring will probably make things easier to accept – I’ve seen it happen.
Lots of good advice here! Matt’s readers are the best. 🙂
The way you will believe it is true is when it continues to be true in the future. Honestly, that’s really what convinces people, especially when you’re talking about someone who is fairly young.
If your child tells you today that he is transgender, then you will likely come to accept and believe it is true when your child continues to be transgender (or identifying as male) in some number of months or years from now. One day, you’ll wake up and realize that this is not going away. No one knows when that will be. What will convince you is not a brain scan or doctor’s approval – it’s just plain old, boring time.
Here is a way of thinking about how to handle the time until that day comes:
If it turns out your child is transgender and you come to accept this to be true in a year or two or even more time from now, you will have wished that you ALWAYS treated your child like you believed that they were trans. You say that you don’t want to be the “mean, non-accepting” parent. Trust that if you can’t fake it, you will later regret not trying harder, the pain caused, etc. The reason you call him John today and work very hard on saying he is to know that when John is 18, 19, 20, 25, whatever, you won’t look back on that miserable time when he first came out.
Now, let’s say your child decides they aren’t trans. They will appreciate your support while they work it out far more if you support them the way they want now. In fact, your refusal to call them “John” or “him” now might strengthen their resolve to move forward (as is often a teenager response) with transition, and even if it doesn’t, it will cause them stress during what is clearly a confusing and difficult time period. When Jane or Zhane is 18, 19, 20, 25, etc., they may change names again or pronouns and then you change with them. They will appreciate what you did in the past, even if that’s not how their identity evolves.
The only thing that I would recommend for handling this alternative possibility is that you should *support*, not *push* to transition. If your kid wants to be called John or him, use that. Don’t offer to take steps past where they are. Don’t push resources or appointments on them that give the impression that you are saying they HAVE to do this stuff to show they are trans. Sometimes accepting parents get ahead of their own kids!
I think it’s fair in your head to think: I don’t know if Jane/John/Zhane really is trans, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I give them safe space to explore their identity and refer to them in the way that makes them feel heard, respected and loved.
The best advice is always “follow their lead”.
Oh my. I have read the question and all the suggestions here and they are all good. I hope you have been researching this but just in case this was your first time reaching out one thing you need to know is the second you heard “I am transgender” your child became part of a group that has a suicide attempt rate more than 25 times that of the general population and for youth the single greatest indicator about whether someone does something is parents accepting their child. Those are cold hard facts.
If you love your child or even if you just really don’t want to answer to questions about what happened to them, respond accordingly. If they say their name is John and they want to be called by male pronouns or wear mens clothes *ALL* you need to know is your son John needs you more now than ever. You believe it because not believing it puts his life at risk and life with John in it is better than life with Jane not in it.
Now, some people will say that this is emotional blackmail on my part…and they are right. It is. It’s also evidence based.
If John says “you know, mom, I think I was wrong” then you love Jane because you get her back but if that doesn’t happen (and statistically speaking, it’s really unlikely) then John it is.
He just needs to know that you will always love him and that when you say it….you mean it.
What I am telling you is really what you need to know.
Then….let him lead on this. Don’t push or pull…use experts that work extensively with trans people not untrained professionals.
PS> If this seems hard, sorry…I know you are trying. Keep trying.
It might help, for now, to try to deconstruct gender a little bit. Read a book and purposefully gender-flip the character, thinking of Sherlock Holmes, say, as “she”, or Mary Poppins as “he”. These fictional characters won’t mind, and it could make it easier to change names and pronouns even though they may be incongruous with how you read your child right now.
And don’t feel bad if you look at your child and can’t see what he wants you to see. Reading gender is something we learn to do between 4 and 6 months of age, long before we gain our own identity. You are deprogramming years of training, but you are doing it out of love and it is absolutely possible.
I don’t really have anything to add in terms of advice for the parent here, but I just wanted to comment on how much I love this part of your advice: “So you start calling him John and you start using male pronouns. It will be forced. It won’t feel right. It will not come smoothly out of your mouth. It doesn’t matter right now. Today when he gets home from school, say, ‘How was your day, John?’ Force it. When it’s time to eat, yell up, ‘John, dinner’s ready.’ Force it. Do it not because it’s comfortable for you, but because you accept your child unconditionally.”
Because if someone waits until it feels comfortable to do a thing like this it never will – the thing that makes it comfortable is doing it over and over until it is. I’ve been through this with a number of friends who have changed their names, some for gender reasons, some for other reasons. I do it and it feels totally awkward and weird and in my head I am saying “Mary I mean Max” and hoping that only “Max” comes out of my mouth and then one day a few months or a year later I realize my brain is finally actually just saying “Max”.
As the mother of a trans man, I can empathize. My husband and I were not surprised when he cam out as trans, but we realized we had to go through a period of “grieving” for the daughter we had lost. After about 3 hours of that ( I know that’s fast, but really, we weren’t surprised) we realized two things: 1) we weren’t really grieving a daughter, but the expectation we had in our heads about that daughter. What we were losing was just a set of arbitrary expectations, not our child; and 2) We had the same great kid we had always had, just one that was happier, better adjusted, and closer to us than he had ever been as a daughter. Every day we are discovering new, wonderful things about him and growing closer as a family because now he is living a fully authentic life and can have fully authentic relationships with us and others. We are still struggling to get the right pronouns out, and yes, it still feels strange and forced, but it is getting easier all the time, and our son really appreciates it. I think just our effort makes him feel loved and supported.
This is really moving, thank you.
I want to add- my mother never got round to accepting me, so I cut contact with her (we didn’t have a very good relationship before). But this also led to me being gun shy about being out with other relatives and I have a pretty distanced relationship with them too, now. It’s true- it’s very difficult to have authentic relationships if you have to hide such a big chunk of yourself.
This is depressing because they are not very conservative and would at least in part be accepting. But I felt that I couldn’t digest any more family drama in my life. So my mother’s lack of acceptance had repercussions in other areas of my life as well.