2010 must have been a banner year for Tranifesto, because, so far, all of my top-viewed posts of all time have come from that year. This is the third-most-viewed blog post on Tranifesto during the life of the blog, from October 18, 2010.
Here is a link to the original post, in case you want to read the comments and suggestions from readers at that time. Now, Ask Matt: In Bed with a Trans Man:
A reader writes: “I am a queer woman dating a trans guy. This is all very new to me, and a very sensitive subject to him. This person is in transition, having T regularly, is planning top surgery, but has no intentions to change his sex.
“What do I call his sex? What do I call his top? I’m so confused, and really do not want to offend. What are the rules and etiquette in bed? HELP!! I’m really into this person, and supportive of his transition.”
First of all, relax. It’s great that you are trying to be so sensitive to his needs. Hopefully, he will return the favor and be aware of some of the difficulties this presents for you. You are going to make some mistakes. If he expects perfection and no screw-ups, then he really shouldn’t be dating anyone, because everyone makes mistakes about something.
But he is dating someone – you. So let’s break it down:
What do I call his top?
You call it his chest. It’s his chest now, and it’s his chest after surgery.
What do I call his sex?
I assume that by this you mean his genitals. Since it appears that he uses the male pronoun, is on testosterone, and is going to have top surgery, his “sex” for the purpose of identification is “male,” unless he tells you something different.
As far as his genitals, you don’t really have to call them anything. Even in long-term relationships, genitals don’t come up often as a topic of discussion.
Because testosterone can cause the clitoris to enlarge, some guys use the term “neophallus” to describe this part of themselves, with or without any type of surgery. Some guys use the term “penis” – or “dick” or “cock” or whatever. In reality, a penis is just a really big (or in the case of some of my dates, not so big) clitoris. We’re all formed from the same tissue. That said, I don’t know many (or any) trans guys who use the term “clitoris” to describe this part of themselves.
But if you really need a term to describe his genitals for some reason, I would go with “junk” or “package.” These are good all-around terms for a guy’s junk (or package). Again, though, there’s no reason for this to come up in everyday conversation.
As far as using a specific term as “sex talk” – when you’re having a sexual interaction and you want to say something sexy – I would avoid genital references. “Neophallus” is certainly not going to fan the flames of desire – “Ooh, your neophallus is just so hot.” Doesn’t work. Neither does “penis,” though – no crackers or technical terms allowed in bed.
Writers of erotic literature really stretch things sometimes to come up with novel terms to refer to genitals, and some of those terms are laughable rather than sexy. You can say a lot of things in bed without ever resorting to genital stuff (even the standard “cock” talk gets old), so personally, I would just stay away from it altogether.
You can certainly ask him what he likes his genitals to be called, but you say he is sensitive about the whole subject, and this is a new relationship, so it may be best just to wait and take your cues from him.
What are the rules in bed?
The rules are, of course, that there aren’t any rules, because every guy – trans or not – is different. But the trans issue does come into play here (no pun intended).
There are trans people who do not want their genitals touched in a sexual interaction. This reminds them too much of the physical makeup that makes them unhappy. Others don’t care at all. The myth that all trans people hate their genitals is just that – a myth. Some do, and some don’t. Some want to be touched, and some don’t. Right now, you don’t know where he is with this.
Sex with anyone new is an experiment. Regardless of what we see in the movies, first-time sex is often a nervous, fumbling interaction where you’re trying to figure out what the other one wants or likes. He’s going to be just as nervous as you are – maybe more so – because he’s not only trying to figure out what you want and like, but he’s also thinking about how you might react to his body.
Sex gets better with time and with communication, but even long-time partners sometimes have difficulty communicating about their sexual desires. Most people just plunge in (again, no pun intended) and see what happens. If the two of you are not comfortable communicating up front, you will probably just plunge in.
If that’s the case, then just experiment. You’re making love, which involves much more than genitals. Everybody and every body is different. Go with what feels natural to you and wait for a response. A groan of pleasure is usually a good sign. Flinching, moving away, or grabbing your hand and moving it tells you something else entirely.
There is one caveat, at least for me, and that has to do with his chest before surgery. If you’re used to being with women at all, you’re probably used to touching breasts in certain ways. He doesn’t have “breasts” – he has a chest, regardless of what it looks like. So treat it like that. And if he wants to wear a T-shirt, tank top, or binder during sex, go with it and don’t try to coax him into taking it off.
The most important thing is to show him that you find him attractive, that you find his body attractive, and that you are turned on by him. Don’t think of it as having sex with a “trans man.” Think of it as having sex with a person you’re attracted to and want to have sex with.
First-time sex is always a surprise. Just let it unfold naturally and be surprised. The best part is that if it’s not perfect, you get to try again … and again … and again.
Readers, I know you’ve got something to say about this one. Let’s hear it.
Great answer, Matt, I think you covered everything well. The questions about what to call body parts and rules of sex made it sound (to me) like the guy’s an alien who landed on our planet. Maybe that’s how we seem to others – like creatures from another world. 😦
I’m not sure – I think it’s more that if you really like someone, and their gender identity and anatomy and/or relationship to it is unfamiliar to you, you really want to get things right and not upset them. I remember getting it on with a trans man for the first time and being very concerned about all that, so I just asked and he just told me, and we got on with it.
I have a rule of thumb with new partners that I don’t ask them “What do you like?” because that’s more fun to mutually discover over time – but I *do* ask “What *don’t* you like?” because everyone has a few things that are instant turn-offs, including words for their bits, and in the case of trans people, often specific parts they don’t want touched – and people are often more shy about saying what they don’t like. I find this is a really good trust builder, whether you’re being sexual or sensual with someone new.
Good practice.
As I said: “to me”. Makes ME feel like an alien – like I don’t belong in this world. Not saying she shouldn’t look for answers and try to make things work. My response was about me, not her.
I was just responding to your last sentence “Maybe that’s how we seem to others – like creatures from another world” – which seemed more general. I wasn’t trying to say “your experience is wrong”, but if it came across that way, I’m sorry.