I have so much to say about support groups (I know you’re not surprised) that I am presenting a three-part series on the topic. Today’s post, Part 1, will deal with Support Group Basics – things every trans support group should have. Part 2, which will be up Monday, will be for group facilitators (but everyone should read it). Part 3, next Thursday, will be for group attendees and will be, in part, a response to a new Ask Matt question.
I want to be clear that I am not the final word on support groups, but I did run a support group for trans men for almost six years. Did I make mistakes? Plenty. Did I learn from the experience? You bet. But I’m sure I didn’t learn everything there is to know – that’s what the comments section is for.
Overall, I think this discussion is absolutely necessary, because I’ve been hearing so many complaints and concerns about support groups lately, and it’s a shame, because they can be incredibly beneficial. There is nothing like face-to-face contact with other trans people to help you get information and figure out who you are and where you belong. But support groups, if not handled correctly, can be, at the very least, useless, and worst-case scenario, they can cause serious damage. So let’s start out by looking at what, in my opinion, every support group should have:
1. A dedicated facilitator (or co-facilitators). This is a person (or people) who takes responsibility for announcing the group, coming early to welcome attendees, facilitating the group, and closing down the group and facility. This is a person who is so responsible that if he/she is sick or has a life crisis, he/she will find a backup to run the group and not just not show up. It helps to identify backups early on for just such an emergency.
The group facilitator should be trans. There are two exceptions to this: If the group is specifically a therapeutic group run by a non-trans therapist who works with trans people, or if an LGBT organization has seen the need for a group, but no trans facilitator can be found. In the second case, it is likely that a “leader” will emerge from the attendees – someone who has the makings of a good facilitator. When the non-trans facilitator spots this “leader,” he or she should approach that person to become the facilitator or co-facilitator of the group.
In both cases, attendees should be made aware from the outset that the group leader is not trans. The leader can make this clear in his or her introduction at the beginning of every group.
2. A regular time and place to meet. The ideal situation would be that a support group meets at a certain facility (the same one every time) from a specified time to a specified time weekly, biweekly, or monthly (from 7 – 9 p.m. every Sunday, for example).
This time and location should be clearly visible somewhere (either posted at the facility or on a website or other accessible location). The group should not go off grounds and should not break up early. It could take someone an hour and a half to work up the nerve to come to the meeting. If that person shows up and the place is closed, he/she might never return.
If a facility cannot be found, the group can move from house to house or be held at one person’s house. However, there needs to be a mechanism in place for alerting new members about the location and alerting existing members about any change in location.
3. A website, e-mail list, or some means of communication specifically for the group. This is how new members will find the group and how existing members will be notified of changes or updates. If the group is part of a larger organization, the organization’s website can be used. If the group is independent, the facilitator can set up a one-page free website/blog on WordPress, Blogger, or some other free web service. If the group votes on a change of time or location, that website should be updated immediately to reflect the new information.
4. A specific purpose and description. If this is a group only for fully transitioned men who identify as men (or transitioned women who identify as women), that should be made clear in the description of the group that is on the website. If this is a group for female-born, masculine identified people (or vice versa), including men, trans men, genderqueer people, questioning people, and people with their own self-definition, that should be made clear.
Is the group for support? Therapy? (Note – only a qualified therapist should run a therapy group.) Information? Socializing? All of the above? Are partners welcome? Friends and family? Is this a mixed group or for masculine-identified (or feminine-identified) only? The description should leave no question as to who this group is for and what it will be about. The group’s purpose and description should also be repeated at the beginning of every meeting.
5. A set of clear policies and rules. Ideally, the rules of the group should be made by the group members, and this can be done at the first meeting or at any time when rules need to be revised/revisited/created. There might also be some facility policies that have to be followed in order to use the facility as a meeting space. The rules should be realistic and fair, and should be read by the facilitator, along with the facility policies, at the beginning of each meeting. Confidentiality should always be part of the rules, and if the group members do not come up with it, the facilitator needs to add it.
There should also be a system in place to deal with rules violators, such a verbal warning for first offense, a written warning for second offense, and then dismissal from the group if the offense is repeated. Attendees should be made aware of this system. All warnings are done in private by the facilitator and not in front of the group. However, inappropriate behavior needs to be stopped immediately (more on this in the post for facilitators).
6. A fee schedule, if required. Some facilities charge rent for the use of their meetings rooms. Some organizations request a donation for every meeting. Based on the required rent or donation, a set fee should be established, the fee should be on the group’s website, and attendees should be notified of the fees at the beginning of every meeting, as well as where the fees go. The facilitator should keep a careful record of fees and where the money has gone that can be viewed by members upon request.
No one should be turned away for lack of funds, and those members who do have funds should be reminded that their regular payment of fees helps maintain the group for those who can’t afford the fees. For confidentiality, a basket can be put out at the break and members can put in what they can afford. If fees are not required (if the meeting place is free, for example), there is no real reason to have them. They should not be used to “pay” the facilitator.
Optional, but Desirable:
7. A clear and confidential means of filing a grievance/complaint/concern regarding the facilitator. This should also be announced at the beginning of every meeting. If an organization is hosting the meeting or allowing their space to be used, an individual within the organization who is not involved with the meetings could be identified as someone to hear grievances. If there is no formal hosting, perhaps a “grievance board” could be established. Members should be voted in if possible. At the very least, they should not be appointed by the facilitator and should not be the best friends of the facilitator.
8. A clear and confidential means of filing a grievance/complaint/concern regarding another group member. Generally, these complaints should go to the facilitator, and group members should feel comfortable enough with the facilitator to do this.
Optional, but Nice:
9. Refreshments. Food is always nice and welcoming, even if it is just a package of cookies or some chips. If the facilitator can afford it, he or she can purchase a very light snack for the meeting. If he/she cannot afford it (weekly cookies can get expensive), perhaps group members could volunteer to bring snacks or extra fees could go toward the purchase of snacks for the next meeting.
10. A meeting topic. Some meetings tend to die, and a topic decided ahead of time can bring more people in who are interested in the topic as well as invigorate a flagging discussion. Group members can give input on topics they would like to discuss. Depending on the type of meeting, the first half could be used to discuss concerns of newbies or problems individual group members are having, and the second half could be devoted to the topic. Or some meetings could be open for any discussion, and others could be dedicated to a topic.
11. Breaks. Actually, any meeting longer than one hour should have a bathroom/smoke/breath-of-fresh-air break.
12. Holiday party or other types of occasional celebrations. The group I ran always had a holiday party the last meeting in December. It was a potluck and people really enjoyed it. Dishes do not have to be fancy. People can bring whatever they can afford. We usually got a very good attendance, even from guys who did not often show up.
So that is my (very long) list of Support Group Basics. Feel free to add more, disagree with any, or just share your own experiences. And remember to tune in Monday for Part 2: For Facilitators, and again next Thursday for Part 2: For Attendees.
(I also have received more Ask Matt questions, so those will be forthcoming after the Support Group series.)
